Majority……

“It is not worth an intelligent man’s time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.” – G. H. Hardy

If this is the case.  How do you transfer the balance of intelligence to much needed causes than the herd?

“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.”

By definition impossible means never being able to defeat said man.  Is it possible to educate said man? how do you educate to prevent ignorance?

These two quotes have driven my mind mad all week.  That coupled with my curiosity to watch how people react in times of stress.  I am not sure if I have written/alluded to this before, but I am always fascinated by how people conform or rebel in groups.  People can be like lab rats fight based on their personal assessment and will to live.

Business School

Not that I want to compare lab rats to graduate students but I think I have too.  You drop 60 motivated students in a classroom to sink or swim, and they will swim or at least sink trying.  In the process to stay alive they will also lean on you to stay above water.  They don’t care if that means you have less air or are even submerged under the water.  they will do what they need to do to survive and prosper.  No other place will you be in a room with 60 very similar people with their initial instinct to be divide and conquer.  You know when you walk in that room that admissions has already sorted you as the best and the brightest to attend that program.  At least by one standard deviation, everyone in that room had tested and scored very close to the same.  Otherwise you wouldn’t of been admitted.  I recently heard of a study where they dropped a lab rat into two exactly the same containers in shape, size and, water level.  The only different is that one will be placed in a dark room and the other will in a lighted room.  The rat in the dark will give up after 30 seconds of swimming, while the one exposed to light in the otherwise same conditions will fight and swim for over 4 hours.  An effort equaled to 500 times greater.

What is the fundamental difference? The rat in the dark has no hope, the exposure to light creates an inherent driver of motivation to survive.  Similar to graduate students they are all the same, they are all in the same container and they are all in the same amount of water.  Unlike the test environment where there is one person controlling the exposure to light, instead all of your peers are the ones with their hands on the switch.  Students will shut off their peers light as they compete and dismiss those who they feel don’t their equal.  (Which is interesting because an admissions board has declared all of them the same and equal).  It is the nature and conditions of their surroundings.

California Sports Fan

This sports fan is always an interesting topic for me.  I was serenaded by the California cry daily when I arrived here.  “Where else can you surf in the morning and drive to ski in the afternoon.”  This mindset is why very few professional sports teams survive let alone thrive.  Who have survived regularly LA Lakers because of “SHOWTIME” the flash and glamour drive the market.  LA Doyers (Dodgers) because they were pioneers.

Who does not thrive: LA Kings, Anaheim Ducks, San Diego anything.  Why? Is it because California produces more flakey people than any where else? Is it because the Northeast is more hard core than any where else? I am sure these stereotypes have a hair of truth, but the reality we are all a product of our environment.

Why is Southern California filled with more transplants (yes transplants, not implants) than any where else? Because it is an active community.  The gym after work is a social standard not a new years resolution.  Tanning, running, biking, surfing are weekend rituals because they can be.  It is november 7th and I am in a robe and not much else and I am fine.  If I was still in NYC I would be buried in layers and a neck deep in adult beverages because there is not much to do but watch sports and drink beers.  That is the product of that environment, that is why people seem/claim to be harder works in NYC.  They have no choice but to stay at work or indoors to support their team instead of attempting to brave the cold.  As much as I get frustrated during NY Yankee playoff baseball because I am in the heart of LA Angel red.  It isn’t because the Angels are not a well coached team (Except in game 1,2 or 5 in the 2009 ALCS).  It is because the Angels fans are short sighted and limited in their exposure because of their balanced social and sporting life.

City Life/Dating

Big city dating is survival of the fittest.  I saw a great article in the NY Times on how living in Manhattan limits your ability to date the bridge & tunnel crowd.  On a map the distance between parts of Manhattan and sections of queens is about 15 miles or 20 minutes driving in most places.  Because of the density of people in a city, it will take over an hour and 3 trains to visit a partner.  You could be also exposed to a 100,000 singles in a radius of 15 blocks, so why would you look as far as 15 miles.  Clearly it doesn’t make sense.

NYC is not easy or cheap living.  It is a frenzy for most and this intoxicating concentration of choice and options can quickly limit or erase your future options.  I know people who have submerged in the deep and fruitful garden of eden we call New York City, Chicago and/or San Francisco.  Catching fish after fish and living it weekend after weekend.  Next thing you know you are 45 years old and HBO has made a movie about you as either Carrie or Big depending on your gender.

New York!!!!
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York!!!
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let’s hear it for New York, New York, New York – Alicia Keys

My uncle always said that some drugs make you brand new, and a new man always wants more.   It hits me like a wave where I envy this lifestyle an then I remember that the city is really just a legal drug that can consume you until it is done with you.  It is amazing but extremely addictive and dangerous.

Public vs Private HS

I have had the luxury to experience both sides sort of.  I grew up in the inner-boroughs of NYC seeing the diversity and melting pot of the city.  There was not happy bubble or fairy tale blanket of naive bliss.

I also was moved to a suburban High School in Connecticut to a some what exclusive neighborhood.  All those after school stories or TV sitcoms on how rich children act is very accurate.  I like to believe that the more intimate smaller classrooms provided in the nicer some what private schools allow for a lot of exploration.  Curiosity and communication can really develop a young child.  It sets building blocks that could build a strong foundation.  Curiosity has also killed the cat.

In public schools things happen fast and decisions are made. It can happen in both settings, but it seems that there is a greater chance for poor choices in public schools.  Again it is the product of their environment.  I am bias towards smaller more private schools but I know they are both as equally dangerous.  Any extra time on your hands means getting into your parents booze, smokes and dirty magazines.  Kids will be kids and I had the benefit or working fast and learning to hustle.  Then being conditioned and sculpted in the private setting second.  I don’t think a suburban kid could be dropped into a urban HS unless they have watch Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.

Unions

Unions by definition protect the weakest employee.  They are a band of brothers that limit each others progress.  I speak freely about this knowing that I was raised in a union household.  They are the prototype for the herd mentality.

Definition: The term herd mentality is derived from the word “herd,” meaning group of animals, and “mentality,” implying a certain frame of mind. However the most succinct definition would be: how large numbers of people act in the same ways at the same times.

Herd behavior is distinguished from herd mentality because it applies to all animals, whereas the term “mentality” implies a uniquely human phenomenon. Herd mentality implies a fear-based reaction to peer pressure which makes individuals act in order to avoid feeling “left behind” from the group. Herd mentality is also sometimes known as “mob mentality.”

Conclusion

What was my goal with this post? I wanted to identify how herds operate in different settings.

Herd mentality describes how people are influenced by their peers to adopt certain behaviors, follow trends, and/or purchase items. Examples of the herd mentality include the early adopters of high technology products such as cell phones and iPods, as well as stock market trends, fashions in apparel, cars, home décor, etc. Social psychologists study the related topics of group intelligence, crowd wisdom, and decentralized decision making.

People in these herds are broken up into two groups, explains Friedrich Nietzsche, a philosopher who coined the phrase. One lended itself to the religious points of views- their beliefs and how those dictated their actions- while the other lended itself to influence by the media- based upon what others perceive as ‘right’ (following trends, social norms, etc.). Nietzsche perceived these two forms of subservience to be a weakness among the common man, and that the “Superman” as Nietzsche terms is the one who overcomes the values of the fallible herd.

I leave you with this.  I want to circle back to my initial two quotes I posted:

“It is not worth an intelligent man’s time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.” – G. H. Hardy

“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.”

Take a minute to stop and listen.  Listen to what is being said to you.  Take a second to put down your iPhone or texting device.  Take a minute to see if you are following or leading.  Find out if you are reacting or making decisions.  Find out if you are imploring change or just accepting status quo.  If you really want to make a different and be an innovator of change.  Step out of the majority, step out of the shadows of the “Norm”.  No need to argue with an ignorant man, but there is a need to educate them to accomplish common goals.  I am not saying we all have the answers, but we all have the ability to ask the questions that could lead to the answers which influence change and progress.

The Path….. (Different Perspective)

Some people believe in fate, some believe in hard work and, some believe just plain ole dumb luck.  I was told I have made all the right moves and good decisions.  I view this comment from my Aunt like I viewed a play in this weekend’s High School football game.  There was a flag thrown for pass interference.  My one uncle said that from his perspective that there was not a penalty.  For which I replied that I bet from across the field the other fans perspective they saw the penalty.  Everyone saw the same play, but each person’s personal biases tinted their perspective differently.  The same goes for my alleged decisions.  Everyone sees the grass as greener on the other side.  My personally felt short falls are another person’s personal envy.

Internal and current conflict can lead to short-term tinting of a person’s perspective.  I spent the weekend surrounded by some of my closest friends and family.  People who I respect, trust and envy.  See no matter who it is some else is envious of something about them.  Otherwise they wouldnt be so closely connected.  It’s the same with self-confidence, some of the strongest people go through periods of self-doubt.   I saw a quote about people needing to be supported.  After a person was showing their confidence  in another person.  That person had responded: “I am glad you have so much faith in me because when it comes to me I am an atheist”.

I want to walk through some of the dialogue from my recent weekend in NYC and apply my perspective (obviously).

In my path of the weekend I saw change that challenged my existing beliefs.  I had one friend who I envy their success both professionally and personally.  I have known this person 11 years and find them confident, strong and, well versed.  This weekend they went through a self assessment.  They might have realized that their city lifestyle which is fast and ever-changing might be behind them.  Only about 10 months removed from their claim that as they get older their friends get younger because of the joy of youths social aspect in the city.  Most times when I reflect on an achievement I find myself comparing them to those adventures take by this person.  They’re of my measuring sticks for living life.

This evening I found that person confiding in me about how they would like to change the pace a bit and some details I will not disclose here fearing the loss of trust.  Even with the changes taking place in some of the areas in which I was envious of this person, it actually made me happy to see the strength of our communications for them to trust me with their personal views.  I am glad that we are growing as friends to actually go through these times together.

This leads me into an earlier conversation with a different person.  This person I have known for 20 years, with changes in our lives taking us in and mostly out of each other’s lives until recently.  Is that fate or luck, I am not sure.  I do know that this person I have huge confidence in and we are developing a great rapport.  Timing is everything.  When I first met this person at the age of 9.  I was so naive and shy, I actually remember being slightly intimidated by this little 6-year-old.  I found my self sitting across from this person this weekend with an incredible level of comfort and trust.  I won’t lie when they had first arrived I was a bit nervous (butterfly like) and again felt a moment of intimidation but still very excited.  To hang out in a new setting than normal was good.  It is good that our communications have picked up.  We normally run into each other in large groups with others pining for our attention pulling us in opposite directions not allowing for any allotment of time to catch up.  I leave this weekend knowing my gut feeling was right after all these years.  I am even more impressed with this person and their confidence.  Their life has been filled with a variety of experiences and some have been extremely challenging.  Even with adversity they have always risen above it and have proven successful.  Successful doesnt mean undefeated or unharmed.  Instead I mean they have always been transformed into a better person.  As different as our lives have been, I am amazed at how similar our core beliefs, goals and, motivations are with one another.

As I alluded to earlier we have cross paths seldom, I count about less than 10 times in over 20 years.  I can remember almost all of them.  Some of thee more memorable ones are because they are tied to the entire spectrum of life events such as a celebration of a birthday, a wedding, New Years day and a funeral.  Each of those times I have left wanting to know more as well as fortunate for the time I was able to spend.  These events cross over the celebrations of life in its many phases and are attached to strong emotions throughout people.   One of those times was my Grandfather’s funeral where I was at one of the lowest points in my life.  Unbeknownst to me this person was also going through personal turmoil.  Even at the lowest point of my confidence and faith, we sat at a table surrounded by friends and family who were all greatly affected.  The one think I do remember is that for at least an hour all my pain and troubles had went away.  This person’s smile and infections energy was able to take me away for at least the duration of that dinner.  I found a moment of healing and serenity during one of my hardest weekends.

This weekend was not any different from any before.  We had a solid conversation and personal release from our overhanging stresses and struggles for a few hours and left wanting to know more.  I am not sure in what level of frequency this person will be involved with my life going forward but I am looking forward for the chance to talk a bit more frequently than we have over the previous 20 years.

As you grow and learn it is always good to have strong, confident, genuine and supporting people in your life.  Obviously everyone in this story has been extremely important and positive people in my life.  And the main characters are currently on the east coast which makes is more challenging geographically to have the level of exposure to them as I would like.

The last major character of my 30 hour excursion to NYC has also been apart of the same 11 years as the first one.  A few of those earlier years were spent in great intensity since we were college roommates and exposed to each other on a daily basis.  This person maybe more so than most has seen me at my darkest uncensored moments in my life.  This person dropped their life on multiple occasions to drive hours at the drop of a hat to pick me up and clean me off.  We have had our moments of conflict like all people do, but it has always been resolved and has brought us even closer.  The key to this as it was with the previous two is our full and fair disclosure; coupled with brutal honesty with one another.  By no means are we perfect but this group takes their roles extremely seriously and differently.  They know when its important to hug you and when its important to kick you in the pants.

In my Aunt’s comments regarding me making the right decisions throughout my life is strongly because of the influence I have had from my supporting friends.  Not only the 3 that were highlighted because of the weekend but by all those my friends and family on both the east & west coast who have kept me on my path.  I am still not sure if it is luck or fate.  I do know I am grateful for my friends and experiences.  If I can continue to be a bit selfish and steal more of the good qualities I see in my friends in order to improve myself and accomplish my goals.  I will have a wonderful and fulfilling life.

As I wander & stray like I regularly do, I continue to regroup and reflect on what has brought me to where I am and evaluate my path from that point going forward.  I know that what ever happens to me either positively or negatively that I need to flush it out with a pen (or keystroke).  It has been 10 long months since I have been inspired or overcome with emotion to the point that I wanted to put it in words.  I am currently inflight looking back at my previous 30 hours, 10 months and, 20 years.  I know I am not at the ideal point in my life.  I have many things I would like to improve.  Part of my Aunt’s comments were directly towards me being smart to not be married yet or so young.  I know based on her currently challenges that those comments are a bit biased and tinted.  I am not upset that I am currently not married because of my experiences have brought me to a better place to understand that it is I am looking for.  I am getting better at my ability to be more humble and improve my flexibility along with skills to compromise.  I try to take off my tinted biases and perspective to understand how I could be better for that person to be named later.  I know one can not prepare for all the details of that unexpected relationship but one can create building blocks of success and communications.  I look forward to those surprises and challenges because that if the fun of growing and learning together with a person.  I am at a point of mild content as I begin to plan my next phase of my focus and improvements.  I do know my future will be unpredictable and eye opening.  I just hope that I can answer the bell when I face future opportunities as well as difficulties.

I leave you with this.  To be happy and successful it is important to be honest with one’s self and supporting group.  Even in times of bruised confidence your supporting group will pick you up.  At times they may need to level you out and make you humble while others they will just provide an ear, shoulder and tissues.  If you are honest with yourself and them.  Then they will be able to look out for you.  Each will have different methods they feel are appropriate but you must keep in mind they know you and have your best interest at heart.  No matter how hard it is to hear or accept.  You just need to make sure you surround yourself with people with strong morale fiber and be open to trust them unconditionally.

I want to take this to say THANK YOU to all my closet friends and family from the East & West Coast, and without them keeping me in line I would not be the person that I am today….

Fear and Frustration…

If you were to hear this conversation between a Father (52) and Son (29), what would you think?

Sunday

Bill: How is Amy?

Billy: Amy and I are through. You were right.

Bill: What happen?

Billy: We spent an entire day together and when it ended she wouldn’t kiss me.  All I wanted was a tongue kiss.

Bill: Well you both did decide you were going to be friends.  Friends do not kiss.  We have talked before on how she said there was no future in this.

Billy: I know we did say all of that, but not even a tongue kiss.  I had it at that point.  I said we are no longer friends anymore.  I think this time I have a better strong feeling about this.  I will not BS you anymore; you have given me a lot of advice on this situation.  I feel good tonight.  This is different than the last time.

Bill: Well I think you need space.  You can not talk to her for a little while.  You have gone back 3 times already because you have failed to set boundaries in this relationship.  You need to allow for yourself to move past this and create closure.

Billy: You are right.  I will stay strong.

Tuesday:

Bill:  How are you holding up?

Billy:  Well I bumped into Amy at yoga yesterday.

Bill: How did that go for you?

Billy: Well we said hello but that was it.

Bill:  That is good.

Billy: She did mention a wedding though she invited me too.

Bill: Oh.

Billy: Yeah and I thought about it and called her last night and told her that not being friends means that I ain’t going to no fucking wedding with her.  We are through.

Bill:  I thought that was made clear after Saturday.

Billy:  Well we were still connected I felt with the wedding, so I needed to tell her.

Bill: So cursing her out.  Does that make you feel like a bigger person?

Billy: Eh, well no.  But I felt better after doing it.

Bill: Men who beat their wives feel better when they are done too.

Billy: Alright, I get your point.

Bill:  You are an adult now.  That phone call shows no sign of maturity what so ever.

Billy: I know I am an adult, but I needed to send a message.

Bill: Silence I feel sends a stronger message that things are through.  You need space. You can not keep falling for the same tricks.

Billy: What do you mean?

Bill: Well you first ended this 2 months ago and you were fine.  Then she asked you to dinner to talk. She then turned the tables around on you saying she didn’t see a future. She wanted to make this appear to be her decision. Making you feel you failed.  Thereby making you want to correct it and win her back.  And that is exactly what you have been trying to do during this entire friends period.

Billy: You are right.

Bill: You need to back off and take time.  You need a hobby or goals.

Now reading this you are thinking this sounds like a normal teenage Son and Father conversation about early relationships.  You then notice the ages of the two people and think wow this kid/man is way behind.  Well the truth is that Bill is the Son and Billy is the Father.  This has been my life for 20 years.  I have been on the wrong side of the Parent child model.  This is true with my mother as well, so don’t think I get a break there either.  I haven’t talked to her in almost 6 months since she threw a fit over the holidays. No worries I have hit the perfect storm of family rearing of parental adolescents.

This builds my frustration. This is what contributes to why I live on the west coast instead of the east coast.  I always wanted to be an Investment Banker.  You would think being from NYC that I was set.  Except for the fact that I can not function for long periods of time under the chaos that is my parents.  This dysfunction might explain why I enjoy pressure situations.  I feel most comfortable when I have to over come something.  It doesn’t matter if it is sports, work or just plain adversity.  I thrive on it.  I was nurtured to live and survive in disaster.

Now where does fear come in?  Well for two very smart and savvy people, my parents are people who fear their own shadow.  My mother has always been living in this world that she isn’t better than her sister.  She feels her sister is better looking and more popular and had more going for her.  My mother worked/(s) hard and has accomplished a lot career wise and personally.  Just not relationship wise, there she is a mess. The reason is because she feels she has always made the wrong choice and never settles.  She is always trying to correct her behaviors by moving on instead of personal development.

My Dad on the other hand has the greatest heart, but I am surprised that he gets out of bed because of how quickly he finds the worst in things and gets nervous.  If I had a nickel for every time I heard “Oh boy” after I said something, I would be rich.  “Oh boy” is the sound of my dad thinking the world is coming to an end.  He can’t come to California to visit because he is afraid to fly.  He can’t sleep because of his stomach so he won’t see a doctor. Instead he drinks wine to sleep, which could lead to why his stomach hurts.  If he is dying he doesn’t want to know. (At least he said).  He now has or thought to of had a kidney stone.  He went in to see a doctor about this.  One of the symptoms became vomiting which is not correlated with kidney stones.  This prompted them to take a deeper look.  Of course they found a growth on his lung.  This is producing a lot of follow up appointment and pre-cancerous screenings.  Now he thanks the kidney stone for helping them find this and wishing he knew sooner.  Only for me to remember having the talk with him 9 months ago that he needs to be checked out.  His fears drive my frustration.

It is amazing of how I cut from his cloth, is so opposite but yet the same.  What drives my frustration is that they (my parents) have given me such great opportunity and building blocks, but yet they can’t seem to get out of their own ways.  I have always tried to correct their behaviors and get them to points of happiness from what I have learned.  It just never seems to stick.  I can’t find the right words for it to resonate with them.  They are creatures of habit and their habits have forced me to be a person of change and growth.  My simple pleasures I can not seem to share with them.  I don’t have that Parent son moment where we just share something.  I sit in my Mom’s kitchen over the holidays where I once thrived and she a person the shell of her former self and feel personal failure because of it.  I see my Dad in the same apartment that I was born in 29 years ago and I fear that fate.  I have one parent who is drinking themselves into non-existence and another who could be killing themselves by not doing enough. So I just can’t seem to win.  My balance is in the middle and that is only because I have two extremes offsetting one another on each side.  My life is a rollercoaster that appears to be a steady balanced seesaw. Which by now you can tell is far the truth if you have read all of these experts of my life; it is more of a rope bridge swinging wildly over canyon in the jungle.

This week I have had the talk with my father that he wants to be cremated.  He is spiritual but not religious and still doesn’t want to be the center of attention.  I think this says a lot about him of not wanting to be the center of attention.  (Well not the case at the dinner table, but mostly holds true.) He had requested to be sprinkled over the Monument in Memorial Field.  Means nothing to you but it is a small park a block from my grand parents where he was most happy during the ages of 15-23.  I am just trying to broach the subject of a bucket list for him.  I thought it was most appropriate with him talking about his remains.  This man just acts like the majority of Americans; except for that fact that he works as long and as hard as he can for others not himself.  He has no other goals or future passions.  I just want him to find some cross road that gives him something to look forward to the day he can’t climb into that truck.  It makes me think of song that I wish some day will resonate with him.  “I hope he dances”

I leave you with this.  No matter what you do, you can not change the past.  You can only learn from it and grow from it.  I know that every time I get off that phone angry and upset with my parents it is only because I care.  It will be the day that I get off the phone and just give up will I need to be concerned.  I know when I get to that point I will also have kids that think I am crazy and want to be as far from me as possible.  I just hope it is because they can’t believe they are embarrassed by my creativity and adventure.  I plan to keep everyone guessing of what I might do next, but I also want to be like my dad in the fact that I know no matter how nuts or childish he is that I am still unconditionally number #1 in his life.  I know that man will give up his own happiness only for the chance that it might mean that I don’t feel any discomfort.  He might be simple but is definitely noble is his simplicity.