As I prepare for my CFA Level I exam, which will be my next entry of my never ending pursuit of knowledge, degrees and pure overall achievements (The nanny nanny poo poo finger wagging of look what I did). I learn that I do actually have the ability constructively study. It only took my 8 standardize tests (NASD Series 7, Series 66, NYS & California Life and Health Insurance Licenses, SAT, ACT, & GMAT) and two college degrees (BS from Lalley at RPI & MBA from Merage at UCI) to figure out what gets me to learn.
I need to lock myself away in Starbucks like a child. I have to be without toys, TV, Internet and reality for hours on end. I used to remember when my life seemed so easy and simple. When there was an endless supply of ice cream and nobody to tell me to slow down. I could go out all hours of the night drinking and fucking until the sun came up with zero accountability. I wouldn’t get much done the next day, but who cares we had 5 years to figure out what we wanted to do in undergrad. Play time was here and now! “Sleep away” college as I like to call it was amazing. I grew up so fast at the age of 17 that I actually went in reverse for awhile, pure physics really. What goes up must come crashing down.
It only took me 11 years to gain the confidence to change that inner desire to be responsible, to an actual plan in motion. Is it scary? Yes. Is it frustrating? Yes. Is it right? Yes, but probably a bit late.
After years of starring at myself glassy eyed overweight in the mirrors of the Ruck bomb off my ass sometimes alone and most times with a buddy. All I saw was this child looking to break out and step up to be a man. This plan was noble at 3am on Tuesday with Kells the Bartender, Fridge the Bouncer and endless supply of Car Bombs to enrage that inner fire. But low and behold 11am came on that Wednesday all was forgotten and self-deprecation kicked in. Why did I drink so much? Who was that girl? Was she really that hot? This hang over says probably not…am I going to do that again? And what is that smell? Cigarettes, booze, & chicken wings baked into my hair and clothes… YUM! (Yes these were the days of our lives .. before the cigarette band)
After sleeping through my morning classes I would wake up recharged and ready to go again. Looking for that next innocent (or playing innocent) college girl that would fall victim to a few too many shots and a witty joke. This cycle stayed for years even though it would disappear and reappear like a hemorrhoid. Each time it was getting a little messier and a lot itchier. Until I realized that if I quit my bad habits this could all go away. Go away is a little to strong of a word, because there will be those blow outs with “The Circus” where we try to relive the Heeyyyyy day! But there was no longer a need for late night Mexican & pizza or beer on a Tuesday night. Because we all know that would only do damage to my insides for the days to come.
Those days always create the next excuse or setbacks allowing me to conveniently hide and defer my self-proclaimed responsibility. I do let impulse and arrogance get the best of me. I truly feel that I am superman at times thinking I will manage everything. Getting to a game, helping a friend, Acing an exam, being the most social and getting the most reading done….. all while keeping a smile on my face and not yawning a stitch because I only have this 24 hour allotted clock of sand to accomplish everything.
I have realized that all those years not wanting to be my parents, I have become them. I have the ability to still correct those mistakes, but it will take me finally parenting myself. I need structure, I need a challenge and I need to feel content. I have been at my best in team sports or when my pride was publicly on the line. Always when I felt I had to prove something to someone. Waiting for that voice of responsibility to stand up and say that’s enough or congrats. You have done enough, you need to move on. Oh and that parental figure that I expected to keep me in check.
Well, that voice not telling me to stop what I am doing, because it has become glutinous and unnecessary. Was my own voice.. I didn’t have the confidence to stand up to myself and hold my hand to the fire as I did everyone else. I felt it was important to be the center of attention to be the clown, to be the drunkest, to be the crudest or to be the best. For what? A pat on the back and a 100 lbs of beer gut. What did I prove? Who did I prove it too? I proved that I had taken my eye off the ball with the ability to hide in plain sight.
I started this blog in search for change. Especially this evening, as I began to open my eyes to the other world of social networks the coffee shop patrons. I sat in Starbucks studying away but seeing faces & hearing stories as people perched in the chairs as a regular part of their day.
I would like to say things are the same but they are so ever slightly changing. What was taboo for me to do at 17 as I entered undergrad, I began to hear children today in high school discuss their entry into that world. This world is growing up much faster day by day. These girls who are barely sophomores in HS talk away about their freshman year. Of how they have matured so much in these past 12 months. How they don’t want to be friends with that girl who got “Ass Fucked” by a senior before the end of her freshman year.
In pure amazement I listened as they talked and planned the future as if they just figured it all out. Only to realize in 11 years they still won’t have figured it out. They will become the girl who tried the “Taboo” and figured out it wasn’t that bad. It might not be for them, but it was not so shameful.
As for me…. The ruck wasn’t that bad, those nights still so hazey. I had found out a lot about myself and know I can win any day in a boat race. But I am also starting to figure out what it is I value. Most things before were taken for granted.. Now I want to stop and smell the roses. Am I going to throttle down..HELL NO.. I might just do the opposite. This time with a plan! Along with a set of goals that I personally hold myself accountable
Also… that smell of cigarettes has been replace….I now come home smelling like a roasted coffee beans.. As much as times change.. they are still the same..
