When one door closes another one opens?  Why is it that I hate losing more than I enjoy winning?  What have I learned from recent events?  Why have I had strong emotional reactions over the past month to William & Kate’s Royal Wedding, Princess Diana documentaries, Mother’s Day and Urban Cowboy?  A collection of events that on face value have no correlation outside of maybe the Royal Wedding & Princess Diana documentaries.  Why do I collect romantic comedies? What is the correlation between my hatred or fear of losing and my interest in romantic comedies/tragedies?

What does this all mean? What have I learned?  Is it that art imitates life or is it life imitates art?  Is life just a big revolving cycle that repeats itself?  Does that mean that with us living longer we will see more repetitions of cycles?

I thought I had nothing to write about recently and then it hit me.  As I sat down last night at the Tipsy Pig (a place I keep calling the Thirsty Turtle), I spoke to someone for hours and my recent Netflix selection came into play.  These recent movies have been Princess Diana’s documentaries.  I was asked why them and what I thought.  As I listened to the flow of consciousness coming out of my mouth I realized things coming together.  I spoke about how I was doing my research following the Royal Wedding with the documentaries.  The Royal Wedding put things into perspective for part of my childhood.  Watching the Royal Wedding and hearing about the sham of Princess Di’s wedding.  I did what I naturally do which is internalize and analyze.  What was there to analyze?  Plenty actually, just look at this 1,700 word stream of unconsciousness you are in the middle of….

Princess Di was in an arranged marriage that needed to be pure according to the standards set by the Royal Family.  She was married at 19 making her both innocent and naive.  She became a mother early and was driven to be a protector and teacher to her children.  She had a thirst to help others, but an extreme insecurity about herself internally.  She died at 36 in August of 1997, at the same time I left home for college.  She would of been 50 this year, same as my mother.

That little piece of information is the underlining theme which is the correlation in this entire story.  I combined the knowledge I took from a few hours of non-stop coverage of the Royal Wedding along with the awareness that my Mom took off that day from work to watch all of the coverage, to seed my internalization.  As I began to plunge into the coverage and follow up articles and videos I began to remember parts of my childhood.  I began to overlay the timeline of Princess Di’s life and my Mother’s.  This is what started to tease out this epiphany I felt coming on.  I began to see how my Mother always had an affinity for Princess Di.  It was like her appeal of Pretty Woman that also rubbed off on me.  My Mom like me saw ourselves corresponding leading character in movies we watch.  She wanted to be swept off her feet by a Prince like Charles as a 19 year old but also tried to balance the hardship reality of the dark-side of relationships like in Urban Cowboy.  The issue with the downtrodden life in Urban Cowboy was through the extreme pain they still managed to have a happy ending.  My Mother even today said she still cries during this movie.  I could see how this baseline effect that occurred with this 1980’s movie repeated its behavior for my mother in 1990 with Pretty Woman.  This time it had a lasting effect on me.  It appeared to me that my Mother had once again identified with a strong woman (Julia Roberts) who struggled with men similar to Princess Di and Sissy from Urban Cowboy.  Now that Prince was Richard Geer a successful Investment Banker in Mergers & Acquisitions. Has anything really changed for her in this affiliation? No, but it has for me.  What had really changed was the effect on me.  The is reason that I at the age of 10 was impressionable sitting on the heels of my Mother watching intently.  I saw the glow in my Mom’s eyes and didn’t realize at this time that I was destine to follow in her footsteps.  I wanted for years to be an Investment Banker that was afraid of heights but still stay in the Penthouse because “It is the Best”.    It took me years to realize that I wanted this because of Pretty Woman.  More specifically for my Mom, because I felt being that person would provide the financial security, flexibility and, freedom to support my family and my mother in a way a Hollywood writer has shown me is important.

Is this really the person that I have been chasing?  A fictional character who has been drafted perfectly by professional writers with their cyclical research of decades of relationships from as early as Romeo and Juliet.  Do I really think that you need to hit complete rock bottom before you can be ultimately happy in a relationship?  Am I forever flawed by my eternal search for an ending only Hollywood could write?  This is not something I can answer nor am I attempting to answer today, but I dont know that Hollywood has profited off this characteristic of mine for years.  Just look at my movie collection or Netflix reviews.

I do know that May 2011 was an interesting point in my evolving script.  It was the month that annual houses Mother’s Day and this year it included my Mom’s 50th.  Like my blogged called “Power of Online…” which held similar themes referencing romantic tragedies and social networking.  The irony of my deep engagement in technology, social media and, family was that at 2am the morning of Mother’s Day I couldn’t post a photo of my Mothers since I didn’t have any digital copies.  I had a box of photo albums, a few frames and tons of loose pictures but not a single digital image.  How could I keep up with the momentum of goodwill being created by facebook without a photo of my mother this Mother’s day to keep pace?  How could I have lost track over the years of not taking a digital photo of my mother? Have we really grown that far apart? I quickly had an idea of photos my Aunt had compiled for a video montage for my 30th birthday.  One particular photo which reduced me to tears when I saw it came to mind.  It was a photo I had to capture and post.

I am not sure if that moment was the tip of the iceberg (ijsberg), but it sure was a glimpse into the 90% not normally seen from the surface.  It was a moment that uncovered both joy and pain from good times and poor decisions by me and others.  It reminded me of a time that was pure and naive in my life.  A time in which my innocents drove my aspirations.  That innocents still very much does drive my lofty life goals.  A few of those goals are very much alive in this story.  I am still shooting to be a Richard Geer type and I still want to be able to provide for a Princess Di type.

I leave you with this.  As much as I fear the lose of a game or a person, I am always willing to face the challenge head on for the chance to thrive in the battle of sport of love with the risk of defeat.  I have never been a person who embraced practice, but relished in the moment of performance.  Being a person that always wants to be in the game, I find it hard to practice (Or kiss a lot of toads) when I am always focused on the end game.  Its a battle that is sometimes overwhelming for me and off-putting for others.  This is why I believe that school and early development are the best places to find a partner, a confidant or soulmate (depending on your end game).  School is a collection of similar people (within a standard deviation of each other) if you ask the admissions board.  Individuals trying to find themselves personally while all facing similar pressures at marginally close periods within their lives.  Someone once recently said to me that people change from those school days and grow apart.  As much as this is or could be true, there still is a baseline or foundation of where we all started.  It is like every romantic comedy if you have the foundation you can always with effort find a way to center yourself back to your beginning if the desire is there.

Romance is like one of the oldest sports that developed the oldest profession.  Once again life imitates art (or sport here), because romance is one of life’s oldest past times very much like baseball is one of America’s oldest past times.  Baseball is long, tiring and challenging.  Hitting a baseball is one of the most difficult things to do, because hitting a moving round object with another moving round object is sometimes impossible at least hitting it fair is.  This is the same with relationships, because as much as the multiple iterations of individual actions on a baseball field are repetitive and cyclical, baseball is still a team game the same as relationships.

Relationships always have a loser.  It is as certain as taxes.  There are only two types of endings (well for 5% of the population the combinations vary a bit, but the concept is still the same) boy loses girl or girl loses boy.  Even the great ones end like Princess Di in 1997 or Romeo & Juliet.  But as certain as taxes, death is equally as certain.  Dont let death leave you as the person toasting yourself with glass full egg nog and regret because fear overcame you.  You cannot fear death, but instead embrace the finality of time as a motivator to drive and achieve lofty goals.

Moving into my own space since August of 2002 has been invigorating.  It has brought me a new sense of focus and enlightenment.  I am starting to feel a void being filled, a void that I had found myself falling into deeper and deeper.  For the past twelve months I have been searching for a purpose outside of my 9-5 life.

In my first full weekend in my new space I found myself getting lost in things I have missed.  They say it takes about 21 days to learn a new habit.  Oddly enough this weekend was my 21st day in my new place.   This weekend had been building on my personal curiosity of this new city.  A curiosity paired with a laundry list of things I felt that I had lost as superficial as DVR to as personally expressive as writing.

Over the past 21 days I have been able to peel back the onion slowly but productively.  I started with a few quick successes like getting a cable package that included DVR, HD & full Sports.  This simple pleasure to me is representative of my personality of being rapid-fire without commercials, attentive to sparkling clear detail and, a Sports fanatic.  This snowball began to gain momentum with me further exploring the sports side.  When I first moved to San Francisco I thought my quick win was going to be my old romance of rugby.  A serious commitment I kept for over 7 years.  I flirted with this old fling, but felt that ship had sailed, I felt it was time to focus independently on my next phase of life especially with this recent move to freedom.

This movement of independence led to my next quick win of joining a new sports club.  It tied together my new found enthusiasm and curiosity of finding personal limits.  This club provided the slight push off this plateau that I felt stranded on.  The Club’s inaugural package of training and nutritionist sessions came right into alignment at the opportune time.  Over my first two weeks I setup appointments with both professionals in lock-step, allowing me to maximize these finite resources and harness my resurrection of personal accountability.  For what ever reason these professionals have unlocked my suppressed knowledge of best practices when it comes to physical activity and food management.  (It must be my acceptance of authority.) Needless to say the snowball is gaining mass.

This weekend I really dug my heels into this new beginning.  I managed to take a nice trail run to coincide with a 4 mile walk to the center of my new town.  (The Land of Beautiful People as my Co-Worker says.) I had fresh groceries delivered which is a major factor of the equation of the reshaping of my physical self.  Proper caloric intakes makes up 80% of battle with one’s body.  This also opens up the door to one of my next explorations of cooking.  I have always been intrigued the preparation and delivery of food.  My family has always shared food a device to reward accomplishments as well as the center piece of socialization.  To me food has the opportunity of being a mechanism of personal expression.  When you create something to be consumed by another person it is a reflection of you.  It represents your view, relationship and pallet with food.  The ability to step outside of oneself and create something that is enjoyable for someone else as much as it is you is quite challenging.  This is a challenge that I have had on my laundry list and am deeply excited to embark on soon.  Right now I am focus on  the basics fundamentals of portions, frequencies and quality of foods that I consume.  The art of food will come once this snowball becomes the base of a snowman.

I leave you with this.   Relish new beginnings and restarts, because rarely do they come around and sometimes they are attached to a terrible ending.  This new beginning has allowed me a baptism like cleansing to start fresh, and by starting fresh I am able to reprogram my routines.  While I am in this honeymoon of chaos, I was able to reinsert a commitment to basics.  Basics like sports, food, accountability and creativity.  All of which I feel are a central part of who I am.  This revelation of awareness was sparked on my 21st day of my new space when I looked up taking in the moment and said wow I think I have come a long way from the last time I did this in 2002.  It was at that point I also put fingers to keyboard and I began to write expressively for the first time in 12 months.  In this moment it feels like my new found freedom is more than just about a superficial vaulted space but is also about once again releasing creative autonomy.

I find it oddly fitting the last time I wrote was on the birthday of my Grandfather who was a very inspirational man in my life.  Then I break twelve months of silence on the birthday of his daughter and my Aunt, who is a very inspirational woman in my life.

That is the beauty of BDays they allow for a reoccurring annual memory of the celebration of that person’s life.  I was torn today of what to do.  I kind of wanted to go out and celebrate and drink away the night, but its hard to go out and share stories of person’s life while you are drinking alone.  I decide to order Chinese and watch the knicks play terrible here in Oakland.  Tomorrow I will continue to make steps towards preparing for my race and progress though my life’s story development.  I will most like do it at a steep pace and bare no limits, but that is the person I am.  I have parts of my life that I operate under caution and security but then I have other parts of my life that have no bounds, safe guards or fears.  Mostly that is my challenges and athletics for others it is different.  I keep my Monday thru Friday very stable and secure to allow my freedom to be felt on Saturday and Sunday.

I still think about the lunches and dinners during his wake where we left a chair open for him as we shared the memory and presents of his life.  I guess unconsciously I decided to eat the Chinese portions for two by myself as an expression of sharing and experience.  I mean I spent most of my childhood over eating and watch bad TV with him on Friday nights.

It was not until this reply that I got overly emotional today.  It just proves that even as the years pass the loss can still be felt.  That to me is the measure of a person and their affect on others.  I still think about the volumes of people that came from all distances to pay their respects those few days.

I know everyone has their ways of remembering and experiencing a person. I would say that the way I choose to solicit and retain friends is the way I live my daily life.  I have my group that have full access and no bounds with but then I have my weekly groups that I am cautious and guard with.

I have always been a networker and a builder of relationships, mostly for my personal benefit but also for others.  Prior to moving to SF I was thinking I was ready to live alone.  When I had the choice to do that in SF, I once again choose a roommate.  Even with a body in the house it doesn’t mean that you are not alone.  It all goes back to having the ability to share and experience things.  I am enjoying my time in SF not because of the people I meet but more because of the person I am finding myself to be.

I have spent the last 3 mornings getting up at 5am to hit the gym at 6am before work.  It was something I hated to do, not that I like it now but has been something I wanted to do.  I like my athletics.  I like my challenges.  I need to be pushed.  Coddling is not a successful way to bond or motivate with me. I resist it and rebel from it.  I am finding my more of my independence here in SF but I am also finding more distinct likes and dislikes.

I read a great line from The Great Gatsby this week. “I’m thirty.  I am five years too old to lie to myself and call that honor.” Maybe it was the age it stated or the coincidence of they changes and things I am feeling since my move.  Either way I liked it and I hope it is reflective of who I am.  That is another motivating factor for me to be in bed by 10pm Su-thurs so I can hit the gym.  I am not sure if I will stick it out because today for example I was asleep at 5pm for an hour when I got home.  It makes me feel better overall when I hit the gym which is good but I begin to resent patterns and repetitions in my personal life.  This goes back to my need to be split between work and play. Remember fighting with me to go to Tae Kwon Do, but when we finished I was happy? See nothing has changed even since I was 5 years old I have always been the same.  I still hate going to the gym but feel great after.  I just can’t bottle that feeling prior to walking in those double doors.  I feel the reason is that I am too consistent at work for me to be the same at home.

Oh well I started this as a short paragraph reply but I clearly unravelled in the process and rambled on.  I am glad you reached out and shared your story with me about Aunt Eileen and Uncle Tony’s site visit to Grandpa today.

Love Billy

Waking up this morning I did not know how my day would unfold.  I knew that I would make my half marathon training run and finish my laundry all while watching a bit of College Basketball.  Outside of that minor to do list I had the entire day at my disposal.  Laundry and running were done by noon, so I did what any blistered and tired young man would do.  I played PS3 while watching March Madness and MLB spring training.  I was able to catch up and take care of a few things like talking to my Mother, my Aunt and a solid nap during another wild upset of #1 Kanas by little #9 Northern Iowa.

My Mother seems to be doing great.  She just came back from an exciting vacation, she seemed a lot more active on this trip than I remember from trips past.  She took a zip line ride off the cruise ship, boogie boarded in a wave pool and scaled a wall.  It sounded like a real productive few days.  My Mother was on her way to visit my Grandparents who are currently in assisted living care under supervision of my Aunt so I let her go.  Following my call with Mom, I took the chance to reach out to my Aunt who dropped me a line the day before.  I knew she would be available because she was expecting my Mother.  Not to often can you lock down a Mother of 5 on a Saturday afternoon, so I had to move quickly to reach my Aunt.  Of course she was on the other line and I left a message.  With in minutes my phone rang and it was my Aunt.  We had a great chance to settle on a few outstanding misconceptions and reconfirm support of one another.

Now with those to big talks complete it was 1pm and my aspiring Yankee needed a few minor league games to build upon his resume of underperforming for the Double A affiliate in Trenton.  While continuing to strike out and get lectured by my animated online Manager I found myself fading as if it was 4am but it was only 4pm.  I decided it was time for a much needed big boy nap as Kansas was fallennng way behind and all appeared lost.  I quickly moved my folded clean laundry to the other side of the bed and I was out!!

Waking up at 6pm with the sun still shining I realized that all that day at my disposable was being disposed of.  With the clock ticking and hours slipping away I checked my email.  I saw an email from a Future bride who was doing the work of her groom.  With me being unsure of how I wanted to respond I decided that my legs have healed enough  that I needed to walk the city a bit.  Since my run had showed me really how close Fisherman’s Wharf was to me it was only fair that I walked in the opposite direction.  Where I found Safeway, WholeFoods and Starbucks all along AT&T Park.  I have now plotted out a good place to walk and people watch.  I found a places called the Iron Cactus and the Creamery which will be visited in the near future.  I do think I now know what pre-Giants game venues will be as well.

Collecting my thoughts of the day over a box of Whole Foods’ hot buffet I saw this tall blonde jump out of a new C-Class Benz.  Walking with good pace towards the corner I then noticed two men flanked around her, one was 5 yards ahead and the other was 5 yards behind.  I quickly realized that one of the two was with her.  Now which of the two was it? All three walked across the street at the same time and of course all three walked into Whole Foods.  Now as I watch this scene I was trying to tell because of her pace if she was mad at the guy behind or catching up to the guy ahead of her.  I had come to the conclusion that it was the guy in front who was her Boy Friend.  I then found myself reflecting on how I would behavior in the similar circumstance.   As I rewinded the scene in my head.  I noticed that he jumped out of the car and began to walk to the corner at the beat of his own agenda.  I had my confirmation when I saw the two of them join me in the Whole Foods courtyard for dinner.  She sat at an angle which clearly left her open and engaged to his every word, while he sat square to the window completely shutoff to her interests.  This sparked my memory of a quote I read earlier this on my normal commute.

“Marriages may start because of Love, but finish because of commitment”

Doing my best not to see myself as a judging cast member of Sex in the City, I decided to mosey along to cap off the rest of my day.  I began by taking a romantic walk home along the Embaracdero with the sun setting, the water crashing on the dock all while tenderly holding hands with my cup of Carmel Macciatto.  Now I finish the evening in true Carrie style by watching my netflix delivery of The Notebook, but it again struck a cord with with me ringing that quote in my head.  I then fluttered through my email as the movie was coming to a close only to notice this interesting image that I hadn’t seen together in years.

Now this image most likely means nothing to any of you but the last two names sitting side by side are my parents.  That is what I haven’t seen together in years.  Maybe it’s the sappy nature of the Notebook having the story of two people falling in love as kids then being stripped away from one another, only to find themselves together in the end.  Or the quote that stuck with me Friday afternoon.  Or the trials of my friends planning to get married in the coming months. Or the troubled couple in Whole Foods.

What ever the reason it allowed me to reflect on the day and week that had just passed.  It moved me to look for the movie “The Story of Us” which holds a special meaning to me, but with it not available on instant movie for netflix I settled for Bridgett Jones’ Diary.  Yes I had to complete the chick flick self-inflicted marathon.  Never seeing BJD before, it did not take long to figure out this was the right movie for the evening.  I felt quite like Bridgett being 30 and single with a set of goals written out for the new year and this blog being my online diary.  Only I was a caffeinated Bridget instead of an inebriated Bridget.

Well as you can tell I completely failed in avoiding being Carrie for the evening, but sometimes its good to completely let go and enjoy the evening of self-reflection; even if it makes me a complete sap!

On a some what related note.  This is one of my biggest months of Birthdays.  Some of the lucky characters are Two of my Aunts, Two of my Uncles, Two of my closets friends as well as a 5 of my other good friends.  My two closet friends are being hit by the questions of how they like being still single in their post 30 year old worlds. (Similar to Bridgett)  What have these people not read my last blog?  Well I also was asked a similar question more elegantly by one of my Aunts who is celebrating her birthday this month as well.  She said (Not asked but said, which makes it a much better setup):  ”You do realize that you are almost 31. (I only turned 30 in December) I respond: I just turned 30.  She responds: It is March your  31.  (One of my friends is 31 Tuesday)  As you continue to enjoy your 30′s it will only make it that much harder for you to settle down.  You will continue to become that much more independent and find it harder to want to compromise and/or put up with someone else’s BS!” I thought that was so well said and true.  She managed to tell me to get in gear by identifying that being independent has its upside.  I really thought it was clever and clearly as I write this it was effective.  Something had to start this internal dialogue that I needed to share tonight.  One of the birthday boys last night was put through the ringer as well hearing about all the wonderful stories of Camelot (Marriage) from all his hitched friends and sibling.  He was told that he was “Destine” to marry one of his recent Ex’s.  The other birthday boy was very optimistic this March and it wasn’t solely because Syracuse is looking dominate in the tourney, but because he was on a first date with a girl who could have potential.  (I am pulling for him since I know what his goals are for 2010.)

I wrote this with the title of “The Power of Online”.  That was because most of these interactions were driven from an online resource.  Let’s quickly recap:

1. Mom & Dad on my Buddy List
2. Steaming Bridgett Jones’ Diary
3. Email from Future Bride
4. PS3 Gaming
5. Streaming MLB Spring Training
6. Streaming March Madness
7. Online Dating
8. This Blog

Now each of these social outlets have impacted my day to form a perfect storm of relaxation and self reflection.  I actually enjoyed it and managed to get to a point of reflection that normally comes from the message at the bottom of the bottle.  This time that bottle was a warm carmel drink with the free-bee red velvet starbucks cupcake.  Tomorrow the goal is to get a haircut, maybe a bit of weights, but the ultimate goal is a walk to North Beach to test out the Italian Deli for lunch capped with coffee and a book in the afternoon to continue my acclimation to the new city as well as detailed people watching.

Which is Closed Sundays so that idea is out..

I leave you with this.  I recently spoke about border-less friends and now I am speaking on Online resources.  I know we are currently in a world which online mediums allow us to blur all borders and boundaries.   Today friends and loved ones meet online, families staying in contact on Sunday mornings through Skype and old college friends passively post photos and updates to include those who want to remain engaged.  I am now in a new city where being border-less is key to my support group.  Not knowing anyone in this city could be intimidating but has appeared to not be the case.  Maybe part of todays blog is because today was the first Saturday that I didn’t have a friend in town.  I am enjoying the move mainly because of the new job.  Its nice to have a job I enjoy because obviously I spend the majority of my week there.  This current level of content is allowing me to explore other things that I wanted to accomplish for 2010.  The SF Half Marathon is an integral part of my future goals.  Now that I have one leg of the stool with work and developing another leg with personal hobbies it only leaves the growth of a new social outlet.  Maybe it will be sparked by online mediums, maybe it will be through rugby, maybe through a new hobby.  What I do know is that I don’t know.  I am just going to keep plugging along this new path amongst the questions, suggestions and judging.  Like I said last week in 6 years I could be in a total new location along a body of water but until that point I plan to embody one of my favorite quotes:

“Every day to do something foolish, something creative, and something generous.”

Padre, It has been months from my last confession (I mean blog)….. Instead of Congressional Library of “Our Fathers” I owe, I will just jump into this.

One feels invincible and ever lasting in their youth.  Time continues to expire no matter if you have a watchful eye or not.  Just ask the carton of eggs in the back of my refrigerator.  My eggs like most things were full of good intentions, only to be ignored and let slip away into the cold refrigerated night (more like weeks than night, but I digress)…

Not all experiences are about expiration but they are mostly about the time and phase in which they occurred.  Recently moving on from the sea salt scented air of the Southern California night, I have let months slip as I get acclimated to the urine filled air of Northern California.  Someone once said that: “They loved the smell of napalm in the Morning” but I would have to say that nothing snaps your head back like fresh piss in a subway.. (MORNING!!) 

With my new life and childish curiosity I have walked the streets and ridden the train (G-Rated Train) doe eyed and amazed just soaking in all the new faces, styles, and communications.   Last night I express my current commute much like “How I met your Mother”.  The reason I say that is I see new faces on the train that I have never seen before or again on the same commute that I have now taken 30 times.  All because I am 5 minutes later or earlier or I walked one car further or shorter.  Hell!! San Francisco claims to have 4 million people and I have ran into two different people at different times that I went to RPI with in the past 30 days and we have 4,500 students.  You can clearly tell that probability of that connection should be much smaller than it is especially with RPI being 3,000 miles away!!  Yet I can’t find the same young professional with librarian glasses to sit near me twice in 60 trips on the same track.  (Odd, but intriguing)  Now this is only one segment of my day but its all about time and experiences. 

Another part of my daily commute is the singing homeless guy who greets me every morning on my walk in.  His raspy voice, 5am shadow and barber shop choir hat really does make my morning.  Its not out of mockery it is more because it feels right.  He is as much part of my morning as Words with Friends or Diet Peach Snapple Ice Tea.  (I might take a photograph tomorrow and see if I can post it here)

Is it wrong that I feel part of my role during my committee is the quite girl who works for Mel Gibson in “What Women Want”.  I find myself much more in my head watching and judging people as the pass me.  Ear buds have more use than sound.  They provide protection from the outside.  I find myself wearing them to avoid dialogue at points when I am tired or when I am looking to ignore someone at work.  I am sure that I am not the first person to consider this but its fun and new for me.  At the end of the day this is my blog and I get to gab and gab about me. J; LOL; Giggles; J/K.. I think I covered all the different forms of modern insecure and indirect communication. 

I started this blog with the intent to talk about change.  I think as time has slipped away in my first 45 days in office.. (more like cube now).  I have been happy with my move and my blog which was intended to talk about my thoughts which this would qualify as.  Instead most times it lead into my inner darkness and slick ice cold mountain side… Since I have been child like I have not had the spiking urge to vent, until now….

I want to take a trip back to learned behavior.  I once was quoted in saying I get a 7 year itch.  Now, that number seven might have been correlated to my mother’s time table more than my own.  Just look at her track record and do the math of engaged to divorced… and these are the days of her/my lives.. 

Since I have always been a competitive overachiever my schedule might be more like 6 years.  Of course like any other child just trying to be one better than mom.  Once my mom released the training wheel claw and let me off to college my schedule has been 6.  My Dad’s apartment I was 6 when we moved, My Grandparents house I was 12 when we left, My Mom’s house I was 17/18 when I left, Upstate, NY I was 24 when I left, SoCal  I was 30 when I left and now the San Francisco clock has started… 36 San Diego or Barcelona?

Barcelona Beaches

I used Sand in the title of this blog something that is in Newport, San Francisco, San Diego and Barcelona.  Sand is a granular thing that floats with the changes in the wind.  Sand comes from the same structural make up but like a snow flake it is never the same.  I want to use Sand as a euphemism for family but before that I want to define family:

fam·i·ly

/ˈfæm ə li, ˈfæm li/  [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] noun,plural-lies, adjective –noun

1.

a. a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.

b. a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family.

2. the children of one person or one couple collectively: We want a large family.

3. the spouse and children of one person: We’re taking the family on vacation next week.

4. any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.

5. all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.

6. Chiefly British. approved lineage, esp. noble, titled, famous, or wealthy ancestry: young men of family.

7. a group of persons who form a household under one head, including parents, children, and servants.

8. the staff, or body of assistants, of an official: the office family.

9. a group of related things or people: the family of romantic poets; the halogen family of elements.

10. a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together: Many hippie communes of the sixties regarded themselves as families.

11. a group of products or product models made by the same manufacturer or producer.

12. Biology. the usual major subdivision of an order or suborder in the classification of plants, animals, fungi, etc., usually consisting of several genera.

13. Slang. a unit of the Mafia or Cosa Nostra operating in one area under a local leader.

It took me a while but really line I was going for was section 10 of Webster’s definition of Family.  As we evolve we develop our own family.  We do it in the traditional way through marriage and procreation or adoption, but you also do it through friends gained through experiences and regional proximity. 

Now that we defined family how to keep that network together now that we are in a borderless society.  Ease of access to text, facebook, emails and, cost of air travel has allowed us to leave the nest sooner and for longer.  Using myself as an example I have left home at 17 years old and have never truly returned.  I used undergrad as my support system from 17-22.  I then parlayed my undergrad rugby experience to gain traction in SoCal from 24-26 and then dove deeper into the community with graduate school from 26-28.  Now that I am 30 in a new city and school for the most part in my rearview mirror how do I do it again?  Maybe it is rugby again but it has to be the right group.. or a really good bar discount. (I kid, I kid)

I have family and friends who have bowed out of free agency and have established that traditional family some are deeper down the road than others.  For example I recently attended a “Jack & Jill” baby shower for what I consider highly ranked Family but Webster would rank them as 10^th. 

It was fun but the take away is that is was family.  I have heard feedback from numerous sources asking why I would fly for a baby shower.  I guess since I didn’t put much thought into the alternative of not going really helps you define my alliances.  (Now my inquires were from people who were not form my inner circle, they got it).  I also had the chance to catch up with other parts of my Family #10 tree and I was only on the ground for 36 hours.  Not bad really.

I recently had my 30^th birthday in New York with my traditional family (well half, mom and I were not on speaking terms but that has since changed… sort of).  I also had representation from High School, RPI and UCI which was a nice feeling.  Like I said we are now borderless.  My recent going away from SoCal had faces upon faces of history in attendance.  I know I did not have a chance to talk to everyone but I saw again faces from RPI, Rugby, Merage, UCI & again Family #10.  This isn’t as much about me as it sounds because everyone one wants to see each other as well, but the point is that extended family finds its way back together.  All that time and personal experience was filling the room.  Sand from all different beaches I traveled. 

I left a lot of history in SoCal but I don’t feel it is lost by any means.  Not like my childhood.  I moved from place to place when I was too young and didn’t understand the benefits of foundation and networking until about the age of 19-20 when my track record of Family #10 really blossoms with my RPI friends and all that followed.  One of my gifts for my 30^th was a Kodak digital picture frame.  It might seem small but it was prominent.  It might have been one of the facilitators that broke the silence with my mother and I (that and the bottle of Scotch, also my Aunt’s video tribute too.)  It sits in front of my face daily at work.  It is the first thing I turn on and the last thing I turn off everyday.  It allows me to capture and revisit all those experiences and times in my life. 

I heard a quote in the airport from a fellow passenger talking about how she had it all figured it out at 22 but now at 30 she is clueless.  I think many in the free agency market feel the same way at 30.  I also think that at 30 a lot of those youthful insecurities and feeling to prove thyself begins to melt away.  At 30 you almost feel as if you finally arrived.  Maybe it is because you lose that you are only a “Twenty-Something” what do you know moniker.  Maybe it’s my fresh start and my 30^th conveniently coinciding that allows me to relate the change easier.  On the flip side I do have a bed time and don’t nearly party at the rate I once did.  I once heard when you will wake up at 30 and will feel that wall.  But when you hear that at 22 you are like no way I SUPERMAN and invincible my bounce back time is instantly.  This can be taken to many phases in a man’s life at least. 

I leave you with this.  Live everyday as if you are as invincible and driven as you were at 22 with the freedom and confidence as you are once you hit 30.  In today’s society with the clocks being rolled back and 30 is the new 20 and 40 is the new 30.  You can now follow through succeed with what your parents, coaches and teachers once said: “If I knew then what I know now, things would be much different”.  Well if you are 30, 40 or 50 the new rules apply and you have an extra 10 years than our forefathers.  You need an example look at Clooney, Pitt and Downey.  Nobody has yet to challenge them off their perch and they have been here for years at #1.  (maybe I just finally dated myself because I don’t know the cast of Glee or Twilight, but I just don’t have the same confidence in them.  Hell Al Bundy is coming back into style)

We need people in their 30s to take the reins and charge forward.  Nobody will hand you your experiences if you sit idol.  Life imitates art and art imitates life.  Just look at the Hangover for another example, everyone loves the movie but wont confess they want their life to be filled with all the memories we saw in that final scene’s digital camera. (maybe not the elevator scene) but everyone wants to look back and know they had a great run and gave it their all.  Your life doesn’t have to be a drunken stupor but it should be lived to the fullest because time expires if you are active or on the couch.  Time like Karma is a fickle bitch…

“It is not worth an intelligent man’s time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.” – G. H. Hardy

If this is the case.  How do you transfer the balance of intelligence to much needed causes than the herd?

“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.”

By definition impossible means never being able to defeat said man.  Is it possible to educate said man? how do you educate to prevent ignorance?

These two quotes have driven my mind mad all week.  That coupled with my curiosity to watch how people react in times of stress.  I am not sure if I have written/alluded to this before, but I am always fascinated by how people conform or rebel in groups.  People can be like lab rats fight based on their personal assessment and will to live.

Business School

Not that I want to compare lab rats to graduate students but I think I have too.  You drop 60 motivated students in a classroom to sink or swim, and they will swim or at least sink trying.  In the process to stay alive they will also lean on you to stay above water.  They don’t care if that means you have less air or are even submerged under the water.  they will do what they need to do to survive and prosper.  No other place will you be in a room with 60 very similar people with their initial instinct to be divide and conquer.  You know when you walk in that room that admissions has already sorted you as the best and the brightest to attend that program.  At least by one standard deviation, everyone in that room had tested and scored very close to the same.  Otherwise you wouldn’t of been admitted.  I recently heard of a study where they dropped a lab rat into two exactly the same containers in shape, size and, water level.  The only different is that one will be placed in a dark room and the other will in a lighted room.  The rat in the dark will give up after 30 seconds of swimming, while the one exposed to light in the otherwise same conditions will fight and swim for over 4 hours.  An effort equaled to 500 times greater.

What is the fundamental difference? The rat in the dark has no hope, the exposure to light creates an inherent driver of motivation to survive.  Similar to graduate students they are all the same, they are all in the same container and they are all in the same amount of water.  Unlike the test environment where there is one person controlling the exposure to light, instead all of your peers are the ones with their hands on the switch.  Students will shut off their peers light as they compete and dismiss those who they feel don’t their equal.  (Which is interesting because an admissions board has declared all of them the same and equal).  It is the nature and conditions of their surroundings.

California Sports Fan

This sports fan is always an interesting topic for me.  I was serenaded by the California cry daily when I arrived here.  “Where else can you surf in the morning and drive to ski in the afternoon.”  This mindset is why very few professional sports teams survive let alone thrive.  Who have survived regularly LA Lakers because of “SHOWTIME” the flash and glamour drive the market.  LA Doyers (Dodgers) because they were pioneers.

Who does not thrive: LA Kings, Anaheim Ducks, San Diego anything.  Why? Is it because California produces more flakey people than any where else? Is it because the Northeast is more hard core than any where else? I am sure these stereotypes have a hair of truth, but the reality we are all a product of our environment.

Why is Southern California filled with more transplants (yes transplants, not implants) than any where else? Because it is an active community.  The gym after work is a social standard not a new years resolution.  Tanning, running, biking, surfing are weekend rituals because they can be.  It is november 7th and I am in a robe and not much else and I am fine.  If I was still in NYC I would be buried in layers and a neck deep in adult beverages because there is not much to do but watch sports and drink beers.  That is the product of that environment, that is why people seem/claim to be harder works in NYC.  They have no choice but to stay at work or indoors to support their team instead of attempting to brave the cold.  As much as I get frustrated during NY Yankee playoff baseball because I am in the heart of LA Angel red.  It isn’t because the Angels are not a well coached team (Except in game 1,2 or 5 in the 2009 ALCS).  It is because the Angels fans are short sighted and limited in their exposure because of their balanced social and sporting life.

City Life/Dating

Big city dating is survival of the fittest.  I saw a great article in the NY Times on how living in Manhattan limits your ability to date the bridge & tunnel crowd.  On a map the distance between parts of Manhattan and sections of queens is about 15 miles or 20 minutes driving in most places.  Because of the density of people in a city, it will take over an hour and 3 trains to visit a partner.  You could be also exposed to a 100,000 singles in a radius of 15 blocks, so why would you look as far as 15 miles.  Clearly it doesn’t make sense.

NYC is not easy or cheap living.  It is a frenzy for most and this intoxicating concentration of choice and options can quickly limit or erase your future options.  I know people who have submerged in the deep and fruitful garden of eden we call New York City, Chicago and/or San Francisco.  Catching fish after fish and living it weekend after weekend.  Next thing you know you are 45 years old and HBO has made a movie about you as either Carrie or Big depending on your gender.

New York!!!!
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York!!!
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let’s hear it for New York, New York, New York – Alicia Keys

My uncle always said that some drugs make you brand new, and a new man always wants more.   It hits me like a wave where I envy this lifestyle an then I remember that the city is really just a legal drug that can consume you until it is done with you.  It is amazing but extremely addictive and dangerous.

Public vs Private HS

I have had the luxury to experience both sides sort of.  I grew up in the inner-boroughs of NYC seeing the diversity and melting pot of the city.  There was not happy bubble or fairy tale blanket of naive bliss.

I also was moved to a suburban High School in Connecticut to a some what exclusive neighborhood.  All those after school stories or TV sitcoms on how rich children act is very accurate.  I like to believe that the more intimate smaller classrooms provided in the nicer some what private schools allow for a lot of exploration.  Curiosity and communication can really develop a young child.  It sets building blocks that could build a strong foundation.  Curiosity has also killed the cat.

In public schools things happen fast and decisions are made. It can happen in both settings, but it seems that there is a greater chance for poor choices in public schools.  Again it is the product of their environment.  I am bias towards smaller more private schools but I know they are both as equally dangerous.  Any extra time on your hands means getting into your parents booze, smokes and dirty magazines.  Kids will be kids and I had the benefit or working fast and learning to hustle.  Then being conditioned and sculpted in the private setting second.  I don’t think a suburban kid could be dropped into a urban HS unless they have watch Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.

Unions

Unions by definition protect the weakest employee.  They are a band of brothers that limit each others progress.  I speak freely about this knowing that I was raised in a union household.  They are the prototype for the herd mentality.

Definition: The term herd mentality is derived from the word “herd,” meaning group of animals, and “mentality,” implying a certain frame of mind. However the most succinct definition would be: how large numbers of people act in the same ways at the same times.

Herd behavior is distinguished from herd mentality because it applies to all animals, whereas the term “mentality” implies a uniquely human phenomenon. Herd mentality implies a fear-based reaction to peer pressure which makes individuals act in order to avoid feeling “left behind” from the group. Herd mentality is also sometimes known as “mob mentality.”

Conclusion

What was my goal with this post? I wanted to identify how herds operate in different settings.

Herd mentality describes how people are influenced by their peers to adopt certain behaviors, follow trends, and/or purchase items. Examples of the herd mentality include the early adopters of high technology products such as cell phones and iPods, as well as stock market trends, fashions in apparel, cars, home décor, etc. Social psychologists study the related topics of group intelligence, crowd wisdom, and decentralized decision making.

People in these herds are broken up into two groups, explains Friedrich Nietzsche, a philosopher who coined the phrase. One lended itself to the religious points of views- their beliefs and how those dictated their actions- while the other lended itself to influence by the media- based upon what others perceive as ‘right’ (following trends, social norms, etc.). Nietzsche perceived these two forms of subservience to be a weakness among the common man, and that the “Superman” as Nietzsche terms is the one who overcomes the values of the fallible herd.

I leave you with this.  I want to circle back to my initial two quotes I posted:

“It is not worth an intelligent man’s time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.” – G. H. Hardy

“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.”

Take a minute to stop and listen.  Listen to what is being said to you.  Take a second to put down your iPhone or texting device.  Take a minute to see if you are following or leading.  Find out if you are reacting or making decisions.  Find out if you are imploring change or just accepting status quo.  If you really want to make a different and be an innovator of change.  Step out of the majority, step out of the shadows of the “Norm”.  No need to argue with an ignorant man, but there is a need to educate them to accomplish common goals.  I am not saying we all have the answers, but we all have the ability to ask the questions that could lead to the answers which influence change and progress.

Some people believe in fate, some believe in hard work and, some believe just plain ole dumb luck.  I was told I have made all the right moves and good decisions.  I view this comment from my Aunt like I viewed a play in this weekend’s High School football game.  There was a flag thrown for pass interference.  My one uncle said that from his perspective that there was not a penalty.  For which I replied that I bet from across the field the other fans perspective they saw the penalty.  Everyone saw the same play, but each person’s personal biases tinted their perspective differently.  The same goes for my alleged decisions.  Everyone sees the grass as greener on the other side.  My personally felt short falls are another person’s personal envy.

Internal and current conflict can lead to short-term tinting of a person’s perspective.  I spent the weekend surrounded by some of my closest friends and family.  People who I respect, trust and envy.  See no matter who it is some else is envious of something about them.  Otherwise they wouldnt be so closely connected.  It’s the same with self-confidence, some of the strongest people go through periods of self-doubt.   I saw a quote about people needing to be supported.  After a person was showing their confidence  in another person.  That person had responded: “I am glad you have so much faith in me because when it comes to me I am an atheist”.

I want to walk through some of the dialogue from my recent weekend in NYC and apply my perspective (obviously).

In my path of the weekend I saw change that challenged my existing beliefs.  I had one friend who I envy their success both professionally and personally.  I have known this person 11 years and find them confident, strong and, well versed.  This weekend they went through a self assessment.  They might have realized that their city lifestyle which is fast and ever-changing might be behind them.  Only about 10 months removed from their claim that as they get older their friends get younger because of the joy of youths social aspect in the city.  Most times when I reflect on an achievement I find myself comparing them to those adventures take by this person.  They’re of my measuring sticks for living life.

This evening I found that person confiding in me about how they would like to change the pace a bit and some details I will not disclose here fearing the loss of trust.  Even with the changes taking place in some of the areas in which I was envious of this person, it actually made me happy to see the strength of our communications for them to trust me with their personal views.  I am glad that we are growing as friends to actually go through these times together.

This leads me into an earlier conversation with a different person.  This person I have known for 20 years, with changes in our lives taking us in and mostly out of each other’s lives until recently.  Is that fate or luck, I am not sure.  I do know that this person I have huge confidence in and we are developing a great rapport.  Timing is everything.  When I first met this person at the age of 9.  I was so naive and shy, I actually remember being slightly intimidated by this little 6-year-old.  I found my self sitting across from this person this weekend with an incredible level of comfort and trust.  I won’t lie when they had first arrived I was a bit nervous (butterfly like) and again felt a moment of intimidation but still very excited.  To hang out in a new setting than normal was good.  It is good that our communications have picked up.  We normally run into each other in large groups with others pining for our attention pulling us in opposite directions not allowing for any allotment of time to catch up.  I leave this weekend knowing my gut feeling was right after all these years.  I am even more impressed with this person and their confidence.  Their life has been filled with a variety of experiences and some have been extremely challenging.  Even with adversity they have always risen above it and have proven successful.  Successful doesnt mean undefeated or unharmed.  Instead I mean they have always been transformed into a better person.  As different as our lives have been, I am amazed at how similar our core beliefs, goals and, motivations are with one another.

As I alluded to earlier we have cross paths seldom, I count about less than 10 times in over 20 years.  I can remember almost all of them.  Some of thee more memorable ones are because they are tied to the entire spectrum of life events such as a celebration of a birthday, a wedding, New Years day and a funeral.  Each of those times I have left wanting to know more as well as fortunate for the time I was able to spend.  These events cross over the celebrations of life in its many phases and are attached to strong emotions throughout people.   One of those times was my Grandfather’s funeral where I was at one of the lowest points in my life.  Unbeknownst to me this person was also going through personal turmoil.  Even at the lowest point of my confidence and faith, we sat at a table surrounded by friends and family who were all greatly affected.  The one think I do remember is that for at least an hour all my pain and troubles had went away.  This person’s smile and infections energy was able to take me away for at least the duration of that dinner.  I found a moment of healing and serenity during one of my hardest weekends.

This weekend was not any different from any before.  We had a solid conversation and personal release from our overhanging stresses and struggles for a few hours and left wanting to know more.  I am not sure in what level of frequency this person will be involved with my life going forward but I am looking forward for the chance to talk a bit more frequently than we have over the previous 20 years.

As you grow and learn it is always good to have strong, confident, genuine and supporting people in your life.  Obviously everyone in this story has been extremely important and positive people in my life.  And the main characters are currently on the east coast which makes is more challenging geographically to have the level of exposure to them as I would like.

The last major character of my 30 hour excursion to NYC has also been apart of the same 11 years as the first one.  A few of those earlier years were spent in great intensity since we were college roommates and exposed to each other on a daily basis.  This person maybe more so than most has seen me at my darkest uncensored moments in my life.  This person dropped their life on multiple occasions to drive hours at the drop of a hat to pick me up and clean me off.  We have had our moments of conflict like all people do, but it has always been resolved and has brought us even closer.  The key to this as it was with the previous two is our full and fair disclosure; coupled with brutal honesty with one another.  By no means are we perfect but this group takes their roles extremely seriously and differently.  They know when its important to hug you and when its important to kick you in the pants.

In my Aunt’s comments regarding me making the right decisions throughout my life is strongly because of the influence I have had from my supporting friends.  Not only the 3 that were highlighted because of the weekend but by all those my friends and family on both the east & west coast who have kept me on my path.  I am still not sure if it is luck or fate.  I do know I am grateful for my friends and experiences.  If I can continue to be a bit selfish and steal more of the good qualities I see in my friends in order to improve myself and accomplish my goals.  I will have a wonderful and fulfilling life.

As I wander & stray like I regularly do, I continue to regroup and reflect on what has brought me to where I am and evaluate my path from that point going forward.  I know that what ever happens to me either positively or negatively that I need to flush it out with a pen (or keystroke).  It has been 10 long months since I have been inspired or overcome with emotion to the point that I wanted to put it in words.  I am currently inflight looking back at my previous 30 hours, 10 months and, 20 years.  I know I am not at the ideal point in my life.  I have many things I would like to improve.  Part of my Aunt’s comments were directly towards me being smart to not be married yet or so young.  I know based on her currently challenges that those comments are a bit biased and tinted.  I am not upset that I am currently not married because of my experiences have brought me to a better place to understand that it is I am looking for.  I am getting better at my ability to be more humble and improve my flexibility along with skills to compromise.  I try to take off my tinted biases and perspective to understand how I could be better for that person to be named later.  I know one can not prepare for all the details of that unexpected relationship but one can create building blocks of success and communications.  I look forward to those surprises and challenges because that if the fun of growing and learning together with a person.  I am at a point of mild content as I begin to plan my next phase of my focus and improvements.  I do know my future will be unpredictable and eye opening.  I just hope that I can answer the bell when I face future opportunities as well as difficulties.

I leave you with this.  To be happy and successful it is important to be honest with one’s self and supporting group.  Even in times of bruised confidence your supporting group will pick you up.  At times they may need to level you out and make you humble while others they will just provide an ear, shoulder and tissues.  If you are honest with yourself and them.  Then they will be able to look out for you.  Each will have different methods they feel are appropriate but you must keep in mind they know you and have your best interest at heart.  No matter how hard it is to hear or accept.  You just need to make sure you surround yourself with people with strong morale fiber and be open to trust them unconditionally.

I want to take this to say THANK YOU to all my closet friends and family from the East & West Coast, and without them keeping me in line I would not be the person that I am today….

If you were to hear this conversation between a Father (52) and Son (29), what would you think?

Sunday

Bill: How is Amy?

Billy: Amy and I are through. You were right.

Bill: What happen?

Billy: We spent an entire day together and when it ended she wouldn’t kiss me.  All I wanted was a tongue kiss.

Bill: Well you both did decide you were going to be friends.  Friends do not kiss.  We have talked before on how she said there was no future in this.

Billy: I know we did say all of that, but not even a tongue kiss.  I had it at that point.  I said we are no longer friends anymore.  I think this time I have a better strong feeling about this.  I will not BS you anymore; you have given me a lot of advice on this situation.  I feel good tonight.  This is different than the last time.

Bill: Well I think you need space.  You can not talk to her for a little while.  You have gone back 3 times already because you have failed to set boundaries in this relationship.  You need to allow for yourself to move past this and create closure.

Billy: You are right.  I will stay strong.

Tuesday:

Bill:  How are you holding up?

Billy:  Well I bumped into Amy at yoga yesterday.

Bill: How did that go for you?

Billy: Well we said hello but that was it.

Bill:  That is good.

Billy: She did mention a wedding though she invited me too.

Bill: Oh.

Billy: Yeah and I thought about it and called her last night and told her that not being friends means that I ain’t going to no fucking wedding with her.  We are through.

Bill:  I thought that was made clear after Saturday.

Billy:  Well we were still connected I felt with the wedding, so I needed to tell her.

Bill: So cursing her out.  Does that make you feel like a bigger person?

Billy: Eh, well no.  But I felt better after doing it.

Bill: Men who beat their wives feel better when they are done too.

Billy: Alright, I get your point.

Bill:  You are an adult now.  That phone call shows no sign of maturity what so ever.

Billy: I know I am an adult, but I needed to send a message.

Bill: Silence I feel sends a stronger message that things are through.  You need space. You can not keep falling for the same tricks.

Billy: What do you mean?

Bill: Well you first ended this 2 months ago and you were fine.  Then she asked you to dinner to talk. She then turned the tables around on you saying she didn’t see a future. She wanted to make this appear to be her decision. Making you feel you failed.  Thereby making you want to correct it and win her back.  And that is exactly what you have been trying to do during this entire friends period.

Billy: You are right.

Bill: You need to back off and take time.  You need a hobby or goals.

Now reading this you are thinking this sounds like a normal teenage Son and Father conversation about early relationships.  You then notice the ages of the two people and think wow this kid/man is way behind.  Well the truth is that Bill is the Son and Billy is the Father.  This has been my life for 20 years.  I have been on the wrong side of the Parent child model.  This is true with my mother as well, so don’t think I get a break there either.  I haven’t talked to her in almost 6 months since she threw a fit over the holidays. No worries I have hit the perfect storm of family rearing of parental adolescents.

This builds my frustration. This is what contributes to why I live on the west coast instead of the east coast.  I always wanted to be an Investment Banker.  You would think being from NYC that I was set.  Except for the fact that I can not function for long periods of time under the chaos that is my parents.  This dysfunction might explain why I enjoy pressure situations.  I feel most comfortable when I have to over come something.  It doesn’t matter if it is sports, work or just plain adversity.  I thrive on it.  I was nurtured to live and survive in disaster.

Now where does fear come in?  Well for two very smart and savvy people, my parents are people who fear their own shadow.  My mother has always been living in this world that she isn’t better than her sister.  She feels her sister is better looking and more popular and had more going for her.  My mother worked/(s) hard and has accomplished a lot career wise and personally.  Just not relationship wise, there she is a mess. The reason is because she feels she has always made the wrong choice and never settles.  She is always trying to correct her behaviors by moving on instead of personal development.

My Dad on the other hand has the greatest heart, but I am surprised that he gets out of bed because of how quickly he finds the worst in things and gets nervous.  If I had a nickel for every time I heard “Oh boy” after I said something, I would be rich.  “Oh boy” is the sound of my dad thinking the world is coming to an end.  He can’t come to California to visit because he is afraid to fly.  He can’t sleep because of his stomach so he won’t see a doctor. Instead he drinks wine to sleep, which could lead to why his stomach hurts.  If he is dying he doesn’t want to know. (At least he said).  He now has or thought to of had a kidney stone.  He went in to see a doctor about this.  One of the symptoms became vomiting which is not correlated with kidney stones.  This prompted them to take a deeper look.  Of course they found a growth on his lung.  This is producing a lot of follow up appointment and pre-cancerous screenings.  Now he thanks the kidney stone for helping them find this and wishing he knew sooner.  Only for me to remember having the talk with him 9 months ago that he needs to be checked out.  His fears drive my frustration.

It is amazing of how I cut from his cloth, is so opposite but yet the same.  What drives my frustration is that they (my parents) have given me such great opportunity and building blocks, but yet they can’t seem to get out of their own ways.  I have always tried to correct their behaviors and get them to points of happiness from what I have learned.  It just never seems to stick.  I can’t find the right words for it to resonate with them.  They are creatures of habit and their habits have forced me to be a person of change and growth.  My simple pleasures I can not seem to share with them.  I don’t have that Parent son moment where we just share something.  I sit in my Mom’s kitchen over the holidays where I once thrived and she a person the shell of her former self and feel personal failure because of it.  I see my Dad in the same apartment that I was born in 29 years ago and I fear that fate.  I have one parent who is drinking themselves into non-existence and another who could be killing themselves by not doing enough. So I just can’t seem to win.  My balance is in the middle and that is only because I have two extremes offsetting one another on each side.  My life is a rollercoaster that appears to be a steady balanced seesaw. Which by now you can tell is far the truth if you have read all of these experts of my life; it is more of a rope bridge swinging wildly over canyon in the jungle.

This week I have had the talk with my father that he wants to be cremated.  He is spiritual but not religious and still doesn’t want to be the center of attention.  I think this says a lot about him of not wanting to be the center of attention.  (Well not the case at the dinner table, but mostly holds true.) He had requested to be sprinkled over the Monument in Memorial Field.  Means nothing to you but it is a small park a block from my grand parents where he was most happy during the ages of 15-23.  I am just trying to broach the subject of a bucket list for him.  I thought it was most appropriate with him talking about his remains.  This man just acts like the majority of Americans; except for that fact that he works as long and as hard as he can for others not himself.  He has no other goals or future passions.  I just want him to find some cross road that gives him something to look forward to the day he can’t climb into that truck.  It makes me think of song that I wish some day will resonate with him.  “I hope he dances”

I leave you with this.  No matter what you do, you can not change the past.  You can only learn from it and grow from it.  I know that every time I get off that phone angry and upset with my parents it is only because I care.  It will be the day that I get off the phone and just give up will I need to be concerned.  I know when I get to that point I will also have kids that think I am crazy and want to be as far from me as possible.  I just hope it is because they can’t believe they are embarrassed by my creativity and adventure.  I plan to keep everyone guessing of what I might do next, but I also want to be like my dad in the fact that I know no matter how nuts or childish he is that I am still unconditionally number #1 in his life.  I know that man will give up his own happiness only for the chance that it might mean that I don’t feel any discomfort.  He might be simple but is definitely noble is his simplicity.

I am never sure if I am just more driven them some or just too stubborn to give up.  I feel there is a distinct difference between these two paths.  On one hand I am just a harder work than most. On the other hand I could be just too scared to fail and become blind to the big picture while focusing on a single prize.  Only the former is admirable.

Maybe it is my athletic background, education or, work experience in finance and the world of securities when I say this.  “Historical performance is no guarantee for future performance”, but it is the nurture that could help you over come your human nature.  We are all programmed with the DNA to achieve certain things.  It is all a matter what drives us to make the most out of our abilities.  For some that burning candle is more of a smoldering wick than a burning inferno.  For some that wick isn’t long enough and for others it gets clipped before it can ignite.

I have recently talked to friends and family members about their journey.  I had an Uncle who said he feels there is never enough education.  He also said that he wishes he did more with his degree. He is considering going back for his MBA now, which would allow him an extension to his current path.  He started as a division one athlete in soccer getting a bachelors degree in writing and English.  He found himself on Wall Street in finance and sales in the heart of the city rat race as Wall Street was going through a crash.  He was always a self-starter and entrepreneur and not one to be hitting the phonebooks cold calling for clients.  It wasn’t his lack of drive and desire; it was just the wrong path.  At 24 years of age he found himself an owner of his first bar & restaurant in NYC.   The only thing more difficult than making it in the finance business in NYC; was making it in the food & drink business.  He went on to open 4 more ventures and being the labeled “The Boys of Bayside”.  He now has 3 kids and a happy family.  He works a stable job in our family’s famous “Phone Company” (Verizon to everyone else, but to us there was only the 1 phone company).  The bar & restaurants are obliviously still in the back ground, but they don’t provide the benefits to insure the health of a family.

Now I know he is happy.  Maybe he would have liked to have been a writer but he always wanted to be a Husband & Father.  He is providing in a fashion that I currently couldn’t fathom, both financially and responsibility.  He recently told me “Life is expensive”.  After spending a week with them on vacation, I would have to agree.  I know that at 29 I could not have a child let alone 2 or 3 as some of my relatives have had.  Life events like these are part of my relentless question.  When life happens like this your path changes.  Now this is not an example of failure.  It is though a challenge that tests your values and goals.  This becomes your tipping point.  You are no longer a single person.  You are now responsible to someone else.  You are responsible to a wife or husband.  You are now responsible for this unbiased, unsuspecting, evolving newborn life.

I think there is still an inflection point in life where you make that decision of how and what you are willing to compromise.  To live a shared life you need compromise and be understanding.  Now is this the chicken or the egg?  Can you set your path and plot your life before taking on shared compromise? You will always have personal compromise.  Personal compromise exists in multiple setting and multiple layers.  Examples could be: Which schools do I want to attend and which schools will I get admitted?  What is the price I must pay to eat this cheesecake? Am I willing to suffer the weight gain? Or am I willing to commit the time to counter/overcome this hurdle.

Since I am single (some what by design), I can be selfish and try to line up as many ducks in a row before I face those shared choices. Is love and life something I can control for no not 100%.  I can though set short and long range goals for the quality of life I would like to live and the career I feel will be best suited for my abilities as well as desires.  I can pursue those goals with reckless abandon until I intersect that life path where I will need to make a choice.

Part of that design is that I have witness failure in relationships.  Failure when it comes to understanding compromise.  I understand my limitations when it comes to relationships.  I am also aware of what it is what I want in a relationship.  I approach all things with a very systematic approach.  I try to identify what it is what I want.  I then try to identify how it can be accomplished.  I then begin the process to achieve said goal.  I try to be the best I can be at what ever it is I set my mind to.  I once said that I would give up talent for people who understand the team and who understand the battle.  I am a person that might hate losing more than I enjoy winning.  This is an advantage as well as a handicap.  Bill Parcells once said: “There is winning and there is misery.”

The most important part of that personal evaluation is that I understand my tipping point.  I am just not sure that most people can say the same. My friend said to me that he couldn’t stand another day in a classroom.  This was when I told him that I was going to start preparing for the LSAT.  He said you must really love school.  It is true that I enjoy school.  I enjoy learning and growing.  I love the team and collaborative environment that school fosters.  As much as I like school I like more the challenge and dynamic change school provides.

I just heard in the Notorious BIG movie a great quote: “You can’t change the world, until you change yourself.”

In academics it is all about breading change.  The pedestrian bridge at my undergrad once said “Why not change the world”.  Now it says “One world changes everything”.  The concept remains the same.  You will not become the Third baseman for the New York Yankees until you understand your limitations.  Failure and weakness create strength and awareness.  Reflection and documentation create accountability.  Without awareness, accountability you can not create goals.  Without goals you can not create your path.

I leave you with this.  “The Path” is just an opportunity.  Opportunities like windows close eventually.  Opportunities are like potential.  Here is another Bill Parcells quote: “I think he’s got good potential, but he needs a lot of work.” So no matter what your potential is, if you do not work at that goal it will become just another closed window.  Do not let your paths decide your future.  Take control and keep your eyes on the horizon.  Keeping your eyes up is the only way to see any of life’s speed bumps on the way.  The key things to remember are: Plan, Prepare, Review and Adjust.  You might take shorter or longer paths, but the key is always find a way to obtain your goals.

I set a goal to write and reflect more frequently through this blog.  Today I was asked where my posts have been, so I am now accountable.  I appreciate being held to the fire.  Goals are only as good as your measuring stick.

Today on my Grandfather’s (William E. Ryan Sr.) birthday, I had lunch with a former Professor and current Friend. The topic was reviewing my development of my values, vision statement &, mission statement. We came to the conclusion based on my written words and mental rambling that my Mission is to be an “Opportunity Maker” 

As usual I researched what this means in the wired world of the internet. After Googling the term “Opportunity Maker” I was amused as well as felt a bit of irony to see the top search item. It was this book here: The Opportunity Maker: Strategies for Inspiring Your Legal Career Through Creative Networking and Business Development By Ari Kaplan.. You might think why is this ironic? Well recent soul searching has found me with the desire to chase my suppressed dream of becoming a Lawyer. As you can see from the title of the book how appropriate my lunch time conversation coordinates with this use of “Opportunity Maker”

For further detail review the book’s description:

This book is designed to help you harness your potential for business development and empower your legal career from law school through partnership. It provides techniques for defining your personal brand, leveraging your creativity, and maximizing your success. Rainmakers, public relations experts, elected officials, marketing masters, in-house counsel, business executives, career advisers, associates, law students, and others who have walked in your shoes offer perspective on issues ranging from networking, mentoring, and blogging to hosting your own television show, starting a charity, and getting published. Each chapter addresses genuine strategies for connecting with people and establishing meaningful professional relationships.

What I find most interesting is that the term I was at a loss for this afternoon was “Rainmaker”. Which is what I think would be most appropriate as a descriptor for what I wanted in my mission statement as a synonym for opportunity maker. I feel that my nature & nurture has brought me to this point. I think that the characteristics I am drawn to in people and the values I hold important to myself make up the DNA of a person meant for Corporate Law.

What are these values I continue to reference with vagueness? Well I am glad you asked. Here are the 5 core values and the 5 supporting values that I have identified.

If you overlay my values with the people that I admire, you will begin to see the composite of how I see myself.  

How do these two matrixes align? How would I define myself in the search of my “Mission Statement”? The same way Merriam-Webster dictionary does (option 3):

rain *mak *er

Show Spelled Pronunciation [reyn-mey-ker]

–noun

 I always thought I wanted to be an Investment Banker in M&A. I read every book, watched every movie and looked under every rock to understand the life of an Investment Banker. None of it scared me away. It actually made me more passionate about my childhood dream. I have been carrying this torch from the first time I watched “Pretty Woman” with my Mother. I saw the look in her eyes of the thought of a girl making her way from the difficulties of city streets to finding her fairytale in life of love & success. As a comic is infected with laughter as a child, I was infected that day with the M&A/Rainmaker Dream…

In the pursuit of this dream some might say I have taken a wandering road. First out of undergrad I stay in Upstate New York instead of finding a finance job in Manhattan. Second I move to California to pursue my MBA, once again shunning NYC. I went to UCI, not UCLA because I felt the culture was the best fit for me. After successfully chasing down my MBA which I thought would be the keys to the castle of M&A luxury, I find myself with the keys but no door.

This recession has closed many doors and has forced me to re-evaluate my intestinal fortitude to see my dream through until the end. With this recession’s cause as well as most devastated sector being financials, I do not see it growing back to the gluten stature it once was. Well at least not in the near future to enable me to pursue traditional career path of Banking at this point in my professional career. So what does that mean to me? Well less jobs because of more unemployed experience talent along with more MBA graduates. Needless to say more regulation by the government to establish safety nets with the intention to prevent this type of financial meltdown in the future. How do I stay a step ahead of these dominos as the layers of onion continue to be peeled back? How do I do this on my terms? LAW SCHOOL!!

As did my two matrixes came together, so did these economic factors for me. More regulation means more OPPORTUNITY! What are life’s constants? LAWS, death & taxes. How are all three of these constants always changing? They are based on the interoperation of the people that use them and protect them. They are applied by the logic and constructive arguments set by the best and brightest in the field. This is why there will be an influx need for Lawyers in these coming years. Especially in M&A while the banks redefine themselves through the new layers of regulation.

The irony of all of this is that I write this post on the Birthday Day of William E. Ryan Sr. a person I greatly admired. For the same reasons of why I want to be a Corporate Lawyer: dedication, determination, rainmaking ability and trail blazing legacy.

I leave you with this. No matter what your dream is, no matter how long your path is. Stick with it and do it on your terms. The purpose of one’s mission statement is to become the person you want to be. So no matter the goal, no matter the challenge; keep your vision statement in mind to ensure you keep your eye on YOUR prize. I might not have the most conventional way of doing things, but I have a drive and a focus that I feel is unmatched when I decide to do something.