Happy Birthday William E. Ryan Sr….

I wanted to write something today like I did last year, but I couldn’t put anything into words.  That was until I recieved and email from my dad this evening.  I feel that my response became very reflective and fluid of what I wanted to write today.  With that said, instead of creating something entirely new I will just paste my email to my dad with no other explanation, commentary or conclusion just pure free form….

That is the beauty of BDays they allow for a reoccurring annual memory of the celebration of that person’s life.  I was torn today of what to do.  I kind of wanted to go out and celebrate and drink away the night, but its hard to go out and share stories of person’s life while you are drinking alone.  I decide to order Chinese and watch the knicks play terrible here in Oakland.  Tomorrow I will continue to make steps towards preparing for my race and progress though my life’s story development.  I will most like do it at a steep pace and bare no limits, but that is the person I am.  I have parts of my life that I operate under caution and security but then I have other parts of my life that have no bounds, safe guards or fears.  Mostly that is my challenges and athletics for others it is different.  I keep my Monday thru Friday very stable and secure to allow my freedom to be felt on Saturday and Sunday.

I still think about the lunches and dinners during his wake where we left a chair open for him as we shared the memory and presents of his life.  I guess unconsciously I decided to eat the Chinese portions for two by myself as an expression of sharing and experience.  I mean I spent most of my childhood over eating and watch bad TV with him on Friday nights.

It was not until this reply that I got overly emotional today.  It just proves that even as the years pass the loss can still be felt.  That to me is the measure of a person and their affect on others.  I still think about the volumes of people that came from all distances to pay their respects those few days.

I know everyone has their ways of remembering and experiencing a person. I would say that the way I choose to solicit and retain friends is the way I live my daily life.  I have my group that have full access and no bounds with but then I have my weekly groups that I am cautious and guard with.

I have always been a networker and a builder of relationships, mostly for my personal benefit but also for others.  Prior to moving to SF I was thinking I was ready to live alone.  When I had the choice to do that in SF, I once again choose a roommate.  Even with a body in the house it doesn’t mean that you are not alone.  It all goes back to having the ability to share and experience things.  I am enjoying my time in SF not because of the people I meet but more because of the person I am finding myself to be.

I have spent the last 3 mornings getting up at 5am to hit the gym at 6am before work.  It was something I hated to do, not that I like it now but has been something I wanted to do.  I like my athletics.  I like my challenges.  I need to be pushed.  Coddling is not a successful way to bond or motivate with me. I resist it and rebel from it.  I am finding my more of my independence here in SF but I am also finding more distinct likes and dislikes.

I read a great line from The Great Gatsby this week. “I’m thirty.  I am five years too old to lie to myself and call that honor.” Maybe it was the age it stated or the coincidence of they changes and things I am feeling since my move.  Either way I liked it and I hope it is reflective of who I am.  That is another motivating factor for me to be in bed by 10pm Su-thurs so I can hit the gym.  I am not sure if I will stick it out because today for example I was asleep at 5pm for an hour when I got home.  It makes me feel better overall when I hit the gym which is good but I begin to resent patterns and repetitions in my personal life.  This goes back to my need to be split between work and play. Remember fighting with me to go to Tae Kwon Do, but when we finished I was happy? See nothing has changed even since I was 5 years old I have always been the same.  I still hate going to the gym but feel great after.  I just can’t bottle that feeling prior to walking in those double doors.  I feel the reason is that I am too consistent at work for me to be the same at home.

Oh well I started this as a short paragraph reply but I clearly unravelled in the process and rambled on.  I am glad you reached out and shared your story with me about Aunt Eileen and Uncle Tony’s site visit to Grandpa today.

Love Billy

Are we Smarter as babies?

Poor eating and nutrition is something we develop from our parents.  As babies we eat every two to three hours.  We eat small meals.  We stop when we are full. And we only eat when we are hungry.  It is only when our parents take the Doctor’s training wheels off does our eating head south. 

 

Parents teach us to eat large meals.  Eat it all off our plate, before we make (not have) room for dessert.  Two issues here: 1) forcing over eating, 2) making sugar a reward.  As I have begun to take control of my life and relearn good habits I started to read a book on nutrition.  What are the rules following the first chapter?

 

1. Eat a variety of wholesome foods to consume a bigger variety of health-protective nutrients.  Choose more of the best foods and less of the rest.
2. Fuel your body on a regular schedule, eating every two to four hours rather than having one or two big meals per day.
3. Eat when you are hungry and then stop when you are content.  When eating at restaurants, be cautious of “value meals” that emphasize large portions.  They lead to overeating and poor health.
4. Take mealtimes seriously.

 

As a child I was dropped off at my Grandma Ryan’s every morning before being walked to school.  What does this mean? Overly caring grandparents.  Lets review what was conceived as love and attention for their only grandchild. 

 

Breakfast:

1. 16 oz Whole milk
2. 6 oz OJ
3. Instant Oatmeal
4. 4 Pancakes with all the fixings (syrup and butter)
5. Scrabbled eggs & bacon
6. Toast with butter & jelly

 

This isn’t the week’s menu; this was served to me and only me every morning. 

 

So when I say we were smartest as children I am not lying.  I was taught that food was love and bonding.  I was taught that all must be done before you can move on.  I was taught that I can have what ever I want as often as I want.  These are all deadly habits to have.  I have watched my Dad eat entire large pizzas alone, half gallons of ice cream in a sitting, and drift the first snow falls worth of cheese on piles of pasta. 

 

In pursuit of fixing my habits and improving my personal performance I have started to correct my eating habits.  Like most sports or achievements, 80% of the success is the practice and preparation.  Weight loss and personal wellness is 80% eating and 20% physical activity.  Part of my Nth year plan was to get to a certain maintainable weight and to become a cook.  As I peel back the onion I have starting to tightly package some of these goals that go hand in hand. 

 

Unlike current events, I am not trying to solve all problems with a board brush.  I am just trying to establish good habits to the point that they are second nature supporting the overarching long-term goals.  I see my new active life, personal and professional growth  goals to be something I have always wanted.  I see this infusion of awareness of my personal nutrition (this is key, because like investments there is no generic solution for YOU) as a cornerstone to achieving and supporting my goals/values. 

 

I leave you with this.  The key to any change is to formulate the final goal as well as embracing and understanding the rocky path you will trek in this journey.  Most things you want that are worth your time, will not come easily.  So the competitive spirit and perseverance is needed to make sure you become the person you have always wanted to be….

Turning page 30…..

 

I write this with my interest in the word recluse.  Merriam-Webster says recluse means: marked by withdrawal from society.   Wikipedia says: A recluse is someone in isolation who hides away from the attention of the public, a person who lives in solitude, i.e. seclusion from intercourse with the world. The word is from the Latin recludere, which means “shut up” or “sequester”.

 

Maybe I am sensitive to the word of late, but I have noticed it more and more on the radio and in general conversation.  After speaking with a good friend this week about how he has handled life after 30 he claimed that has been forced to become a recluse.  Being overly social people my friends across the country and I are struggling with the balance of social and stable.  We are noticing as we are turning the 30^th page of our life that we don’t bounce back like we once did. We can not drink and eat the way we still do without paying a hefty price. 

 

This 30^th page of life is one of balance and humility.  I have spoken prior of the cockiness and inexperience of my early 20’s.  Responsibility in the timeline of life is like air travel.  Boarding the plane is like your teenage years, you are at your lowest level with little air/responsibility.  As you enter your 20’s you are traveling at speeds on the tarmac that are uncontrollable.  Then your late 20’s you have taken off, working your way through that initial climb to your cruising altitude.  You will spend most of that time getting comfortable with yourself, getting your grasp of your gauges and knobs.  Knowing who your friends are and grasping the basic route you will travel through your trip of life. 

 

Once you hit cruising attitude you have hit your 30’s.  You should have a basic idea of what you want to accomplish in life and what you feel you need.  You will still hit patches of turbulence and will have to reroute through some weather, but the outline should be there.  This is where I am now.  I am designing that outline. I am setting my goals and I am flushing out my values. 

 

My friends are all in a similar place give or take a few miles.  We know our heath is an important part of our balance.  We know that our careers are still being flushed out and will change as a product of our generation.  Our relationships are a few of the unforeseen storms in the horizon.  The basics are we want stability, we want structure and we still all want a challenge. 

 

Most of us are not religious to the letter of a book.  I for one have never really scene religion for more than a set of guiding principles similar to ethics.  I am starting to believe though that you need to stay true to yourself and enlist yourself into your values to a level I have only seen with the most religious.  I am not saying to the extreme of narcissism or being an elitist.  But you do need self-respect and appreciation.  You can not let yourself fall behind in your priorities. 

 

This is where being a recluse comes in with my friends and I.  We have not found that balance keeping our personal priorities near the top without separating ourselves from the world.  Maybe it’s our internal party animal or lack of will power that prevents us from staying with our goals to workout 3-4 times a week or cutting back on the fast foods.  Some reason once that chicken wing or frosty beer hits our lips that pipe dream of a workout becomes exactly that a dream. 

 

To prevent the self-loathing that indubitably will set in the morning worse than when a freshman girl wakes up naked in a fraternity.  We decide that we have to force ourselves into being that recluse.  The reason being is that we struggle with that life balance of maintaining a mature social life and a college kegger.  This slippery slope of disaster we deal with is our personal Bermuda triangle.  We wake up those Monday morning thinking we are just circling the drain of no return.  Once that foggy hanger over clears like the turbulence that it is, we realize it’s Wednesday and we can begin to regain that plan of a healthier life. Even if that dream is for only another 3 days before we do it all over again. 

 

As you read this it can seem like a problem or an illness, but it isn’t the booze or wings we yearn.  It is companionship, the uncontrolled need to be there for someone and, pure desire to be a part of something.  Working out and remaining discipline is individual and remote by nature.  Two things we don’t thrive on being.  But when turning that 30^th page you begin to find that self-confidence and independence.  Thirty creates that personal validation of its ok to be you.  You are no longer being judged as a high school kid or beer pong champion.  It provides that feeling of content to be alone to your own devices.  It is part of flying at that cruising altitude, because your responsibility changes.  It is no longer about you as a child; it is about you as a person.  Your health and personal development is now for the support of your future family/relationships what was once that unforeseen horizon is that snowcapped mountains in the distant cloudy sky. 

 

I leave you with this.  Enjoy those beer splattered years, everyone once in awhile take a road trip and do shots at a wet t-shirt contest.  Just don’t prevent yourself from being the person you want to be now; because you feel your best benchmark of success was that Polaroid from T.J Horny Frogs in Cancun, Mexico.  What ever you passion is: photography, cooking, hiking or writing.  Even if it takes scheduling the time like an appointment, just don’t loose your chance to turn that page so you can be you….